I reject this rejection letter

Hit with the inspiration to Kondo my paper files, I came across this 2018 rejection letter. (And in case you’re wondering, it still sparks a twisted kind of joy, so I’m keeping it – and sharing it with you.)

Note: My annotations are bracketed and appear throughout.

JENNIFER WAGLEY, [All caps – just to make sure I know it’s a form letter.]

I enjoyed speaking with you during the recent interview for Copywriter. [Actually, you didn’t speak to me. I interviewed with someone else.] Your credentials and job experience are outstanding and I am sure you will be a success in your career. [Thanks for the vote of confidence, INSERT NAME HERE. While this may be appropriate for a recent graduate, I already have 25+ years of proven success under my fingertips.]

At this time, however, I am unable to offer you the position of Copywriter (2357-682) with our firm. The reasons may be difficult for you to understand [Please, patronize me some more.], yet they are valid from a management standpoint. I will continue to keep your resume and interview results on file for the next year. If a position opens in our company that is a suitable fit for you, be assured that you will be considered as a first candidate choice for the job. [That’s not necessary, truly.]

Please do not consider this experience a wasted effort. We are now familiar with your abilities and we hope you have benefited in learning from the resume/interview process. [You mean the process that I myself have taught at community college? As documented in my resume. As well as the hundreds of interviews I’ve conducted as a marketing manager?]

My best wishes to you in your job search and I sincerely thank you for your time and cooperation with us. I hope to be calling you in the future. [Why wait? I’m calling you, calling you out, that is.]

Regards,

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX